A few weeks ago someone challenged me to dig deep and figure out my why. Why I’m a photographer, and why I feel it’s meaningful and worthwhile to run a photography business. It’s taken me a while to put this post together, partly because I wrote the first draft by hand into my notebook. In a car. While it was moving. So it did take some time to decipher what the hell it was I had written. But here finally goes.
The reason I started my own business was ultimately about a yearning to do something that matters with my life. Photography had been an artistic outlet for me for some time, so that was the obvious vehicle. But there are a lot of photographers out there for whom the craft of photography is enough… for me it was always about something more than just providing people with images. It turned out I had to go quite far back to really figure out what it is that I actually want to offer people.
Growing up I always felt like an outsider. I was a quiet, fat, awkward kid, and having been raised as the only child of a single parent, was always very happy in my own company. I found it scary communicating with others my age, somehow I just never seemed to quite know the ‘rules’. It was like I was always waiting for a permission, or a sign of some sort, which would mean I was OK before I would speak up. I have this one clear memory from the playground when I was still quite young, when another girl asked me ‘Why don’t you have a dad?’. While this incident, or the memory of it, didn’t define me (I had a dad, he just lived somewhere else), it was one of those incidents that added to the feeling of being ‘different’, of not being ‘normal’ like everyone else. And when you grow up with enough of these moments, you eventually start accepting feeling like an outsider as a fact.
I started drawing and painting at a young age, and it turned out I was fairly good at it. I soon realised that art allowed me to communicate on my own terms, and when people appreciated the work I did, that felt like the permission I’d been waiting for to feel accepted. Later on this transferred to photography – if people had seen my work and loved it, I felt ok to be in their company as an equal. But when I met people who didn’t know anything about the quality of my work, I felt awkward, not good enough as just me, certainly never cool enough.
When I started my business this feeling of not being cool enough sometimes got in the way of client interactions. I would turn up to photograph people I thought where hip and trendy, and I would instantly feel out of my depth, which I then tried to compensate by trying to appear more ‘fun’ or whatever I felt I ‘ought to’ be. The more known my work got, the more at ease I felt, the clients had after all hired me based on my work so had ‘pre-accepted’ me in a way (can we see a comfortable old pattern emerging…?).
Instinctively I did know my ‘why’ right from the beginning though. From the very first iteration of my website, the copy in my ‘about’ section started with ‘I find beauty in everything and everyone, and I love the way a camera gives me a license to explore that beauty…’.
But it’s only now that I’ve spent some time exploring what’s really behind why I do what I do, that I can truly connect the dots.
It might be a bit later than most people, but I have finally learned the secret. The secret that everyone, every human being out there, sometimes feels like an outsider and out of their depth, maybe even not worthy – just like that awkward fat kid that I was, and the quiet uncool adult that I grew up to be.
What I want to do in my life and with my business, what sets my heart on fire, is to show people how beautiful and worthy they are, how precious their love is, and how much they mean to the people around them.
I often hear comments such as ‘you always get such beautiful clients’. And yet, on the surface, my clients come in all shapes and sizes. If I can count myself successful in anything, I would love it to be that these comments mean that I have been able to provide my clients with a space where they have been able to show their true beauty, beauty which has nothing to do with what they look like on the outside. When someone lets their guard down, and you see a person in front of you as the special, unique creature that they are, external beauty becomes wholly irrelevant.
Personally I am finally at a stage where I don’t need that permission, which holding a camera (something that many of us photographers hide behind) provides, in order to truly see people and to give myself permission to communicate with them. Funnily enough that permission was always mine to give, not theirs. I can’t tell you how ground breaking and exciting that realisation is. I can now see that the things that are ‘different’ and awkward about me, are really my strengths – my quietness is calmness, my sensitivity ability to read emotional situations and to give people the space they need. I still battle with fear every day, I don’t think that will ever go away, but now I do it with the knowledge that fear is an opportunity for personal growth.
So there we have it. My why is all about an all-encompassing passion for showing people how unique, beautiful and loved they are – because that was something I didn’t allow myself to feel for the longest of time. And when I succeed… you know, it’s worth more than all the gold in the world.
So beautifully written and compelling; thanks for sharing your thoughts and breakthroughs with us xx.
What a lovely post……I can definitely relate! Thanks so much for this x
What a beautiful and thoughtfully written piece Marianne.
xXx
Marianne ~ I just wrote my “why” earlier this week but haven’t published it yet. It’s so interesting to me the parallels between both of our “whys”. Your work is beautiful, filled with such emotion and realness. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here.
What a beautiful post, I’m so happy I found this tonight. Thank you for sharing – and for inspiring me to examine my own “why”.
beautiful post. i loved it! thank you for being so open and sharing. I love your work and you have been a big inspiration why I wanted to become a photographer. thanks you!
That’s hugely flattering, and inspiring. x
wow! thats really inspiring at 6.30am and has got the brain turning already … thank you for sharing such a beautifully written piece {oh and the pictures are moving on their own too} x
Thank you for sharing this post with us. Can totally relate to that. I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out and to be able to say it out loud with 100% confidence. And sometimes I know I try to be someone else and it drives me crazy. But I also know it’s somewhere deep inside and I feel my ‘why’ subconsciously, I just need to say it out loud.
Yeah, I think we all know these things about ourselves, but there’s so much stuff layered on top that it’s often easier to just try to aspire to be like someone else who might seem more ‘acceptable’, than to accept yourself for who you are – and celebrate it.
Beautiful post x
Such a beautifully written post Marianne, if I hadn’t been at work this morning I may have cried! Such honesty is so inspiring and thank you for putting such a personal and enlightening post out there for us all to enjoy and understand. You are certainly not alone, I really identified with much of what you wrote and it was lovely to read x
Beautiful post, Marianne. And one that, I think, we can all relate to. Thank you for sharing this xx
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey, Marianne! Your work is filled with emotion and is truly beautiful and inspirational! Perfect x
Thank you so much Marianne. This post is really touching…
Now I feel like I must explore my own “why”. I guess it’s a little bit hard, but I can do it! *sigh*
You can do it. :)
Your blog made me cry this morning. I was actually exploring my ‘why’ last night and when I wrote it down it felt too big, too hard and too exposing to share. All my insecurities came up and I crawled back into my little hole. Only this morning am I starting to come out of it and I read your post. Thank you for sharing your why and your journey. X
It definitely feels exposing. But the freedom to be yourself feels a gazillion times better than the fear of judgement.
Marianne, the reason we wanted you for our wedding was because in all your work the true beauty and love of each couple just shines through. Simple, relaxed and uncluttered – just pure love. I couldn’t have been prepared for how floored I would be when I saw our pictures. Truly magical, thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that Clare. It means so so much. x
You’re awesome M xxx
“showing people how unique, beautiful and loved they are”? Objective achieved. You are beautiful, unique and loved too, you know. x
Wonderful. Beautiful. So much to identify with and such a brave post. Your sensitivity and ability to see and capture pure emotions shines through in your images. I LOVE your work.
What a brave and honest post Marianne. Personally I think you’re super creative, take kick-ass pictures, AND have great taste in music…to me that makes you too cool for school xx
Can I get a badge? :D
Thankyou for a beautiful and inspiring post- your photography never ceases to amaze me, the beauty and love you see so perfectly captured…
An inspiring and very beautiful post lady…you are not alone in your insecurities and so lovely to read of your accpetance of self – a very special gift indeed, as is your work. Simply gorgeous :-) x
I think that shows – your sensitivity is littered across these beautiful images you make. I think it would give us all some benefit to look at the reasons behind why we do our jobs – to ensure its a way of being more fully ourselves, rather than a shield against our own insecurities. Go you.
Loved reading this post Marianne it resonates with me and is something I often reflect on. It is sometimes a challenge to find the right persona in business. I think your ability to capture true beauty in people and your personality really shines in your images. You obviously put people at ease. Thanks for sharing!
I think the only right persona is the one that’s truly you. I have tried different routes in the past and it’s not nearly as effective or fulfilling.
Wow what a great post, it’s as beautiful as the photographs I look forward to seeing every week! Ha ha. Strange how much of that I can relate to. Scary in fact. Thanks for sharing so eloquently.
I think it’s because deep down we’re all just human. (apart from Superman, who’s the only real superhero)
Lovely! Thanks so much for sharing!!
This is so beautiful and inspiring. And aside from the ‘fat’ bit (I was a quiet, painfully tall and skinny, awkward kid), I could have written those first couple of paragraphs myself.
I’ve been hiding behind ‘it’s a means to living the family life that I want to live’ as my ‘why’ for a long time, not that I don’t love photography and photographing weddings, it’s just easier to think of it not as something that defines me but as something that lets me do other things that define me, but you’ve prompted me to dig deeper and find my real ‘why’.
I would hazard a guess that if you related to the work you do, and the way you do it, as something that is worthwhile and meaningful to you on a deeper level, it would no longer feel like just means to an end. :)
I don’t know if I ever told you this, Marianne, but your images from Marc and Carolyn’s wedding (acquaintances of mine) were what propelled me into the wedding side of photography. You ARE inspiring.
I will have a long hard think about my own ‘why’ …
I didn’t know that! Wow.. thank you so much for telling me, I’m so touched. x
Thank you Marianne for writing this post.
I often get the impression from words that people write that they are very confident, cool and doing fantastically well, when the reality is for a lot of us that we all have our own insecurities and panics along the way.
Like Kirsten I think I’m going to have a long think about my ‘Why’.
Wow, what a beautifully written and poignant post – you had me in tears! Thank you for sharing and for being so honest and real. Stunning images too. Sometimes I wonder about the ‘why’ and it can feel a bit ‘fluffy’ and inconsequential compared to my previous job as a teacher- just taking pretty pictures, being into weddings, fashion etc. But this bit: ‘…what sets my heart on fire, is to show people how beautiful and worthy they are, how precious their love is, and how much they mean to the people around them.’ That is amazing and a truly worthy ‘why’. Thank you x
Thank you, what a lovely comment. x
Thank you for sharing this, Marianne. You just pretty much wrote what I was thinking all the way about myself, but would never have expressed it so beautifully.
Just add to this the fear of following my soul and trying to do “proper” jobs for many years, just so that I could “fit in” and be like everyone else. Funnily, as soon as I realised it’s not me and made my leap into photography, I instantly felt better, more confident, happy person!
I’m not done self-doubting and trying to be like someone else just yet, but I’m hoping I’m nearly there…
Yeah… ‘normal’ is my least favourite word. :D
Thanks for sharing this post. Really enjoyed reading it and I think we all relate to what you are saying. It’s a funny business that we’re in isn’t it?! But one that is utterly rewarding and fantastic at the same time!
really interesting read. It’s clear from looking at your images why you are a photographer. keep it up!
Absolutely beautiful, Marianne. You really had me in tears … I really really cant wait to be photographed by you!!!! xx
I love the work you do. It’s so beautiful. I come to your blog everyday, leaving it inspired. I’m definitely one uncool, anxiety-ridden kid with artistic tendencies and I hope to grow up and work and create my own art like you’ve done!
Really a beautiful post. I don’t add comments very often, but I just wanted to tell you that I follow your posts and admire your work! I really love your eye and the way you show happyness and love.
Marianne, what a beautiful way with words you have on top of your stunning camera skills, a truly talented lady, we are so lucky to have been able to have had you as our wedding photographer. It’s very insightful to us to see how you tick, how you manage to achieve such emotion and happiness in your photos and what goes on in the head of such a clever and inspiring person xx
Thank you so much Laura… you’ve made me come over all emotional now! xx
You’re awesome. That is all.
OMG I am so late in reading this – what a beautiful post Marianne! You are seriously awesome at what you do and I feel so lucky knowing you are going to be there on my wedding day! LOVEEEEEE love love your work. xx
your images show why you do it, keep going x
Reading this again has struck such a chord with me, M. Thank you again for being so honest. I must be in a sentimental mood today, because this has brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had your strength of character, your ability to be so candid. I try, but things seem to get in the way. Fear gets in the way… You’re an amazing person, Ms Taylor xx
I too grew up feeling different. I also suffered from social anxiety and it was only when I started photographing a couple of years ago that I began to feel like I had a purpose <3 <3 xx
I’ve been photographing weddings for a few years now and it’s only tonight that somehow I ended up on this post and your website. I can’t tell you how much this resonates with me – but not only that, your work too. I can’t actually believe it’s taken me until now to actually stop and have a proper look at it. WOW.
Here here to seeing the beauty in others. If there’s anything this job has taught me it’s that it’s in everyone in many shapes and forms.
I’m really excited about seeing more of your work. x
A beautiful and moving post! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I’ve been working on my ‘why’ and I can really relate to your story, it’s such a personal thing really. Hopefully I’ll be brave enough to post mine soon!
I have always thought your work was wonderful but sharing this insight into your journey as a photographer makes your work all the more special.